peer pressure vs. pure pleasure

Some people have to learn what comes natural to others – isn’t that sad? What’s even worse – it takes a fairly simple and quite painful heart surgery (if the correct way to refer to the removal of the specified organ by a highly skilled professional known as a ‘jerk’ or a ‘skank’ can, in fact, be called ‘surgery‘) and an even longer healing (hahaha) process to learn to keep it simple – something which everyone else around you have been and always will do. Now you’re just like the rest of us – living without love, without promises, without a thrill and without anything beyond your body (it’s not as if you’ve got any soul left anyway).Oh, rest assured – none of us was like this in the first place. It takes one charming person to lovingly vandalise your heart to render you incapable of getting too attached, too close, too comfortable with anyone from now on. It’s not that bad, but the problem is when you’ve lived without your freedom for awhile, you don’t know what to do with it once you get it back. In reality you should’ve just stopped attaching your life onto his/hers and lived as a self-sufficient individual (remember those?), but truth is you’re an amputee and your disability is slowly killing you. You simply HAD to trust big promises, HAD to use big words, HAD to believe in forever and always, while the rest passed by without too much involvement in anything whatsoever. Now, you’re like a 1st-grader, learning something, which everyone else has long been proficient in: nothing is special, nothing is serene, nothing is meaningful – everyone’s just as good-looking, just as good in bed, they all kiss, giggle, touch, fuck, promise and dress alike. It’s hard to fall in love with one in particular – especially when deep in the back of your suffered mind there’s a burnt imprint of…what was his/her name?

Slowly drifting away in the cigarette smoke, you try to recall your formal self – confused, weak and in love. Time heals nothing. You will see her image imprinted on every woman you’re with for the rest of your life, re-living the disappointment, the hurt, the anger, the emptiness. Just as well – you can get back at the rest for what she did to you. People who’ve been hurt like hurting – makes it more bearable somehow…Or does it? I’m not really sure. Sadly no one but you keeps holding onto broken pieces from a past long gone in vain hopes of finding solid ground to carry on with life. She forgot you long ago – the way you pulled her hair back, the way you touched her bare skin, what made you laugh and what upset you, what you dreamed of and what you ached for – you were alone in your childishly naive dream for a happily ever after and you’re alone now in the crumbled sand tower, where only the ghost of your former self roams and still cries in pain. Truth is she remembers someone else’s touch, voice, look, everything…She searches for someone else in all men she’ll be with from now on, you’re as good as dead to her.

It would have all been so easier if we had stuck to the plan from the beginning – doing what other people do daily and a lot. Why should sex be about something other than satisfying the most basic of our needs and the most twisted of our desires. How naive do you have to be to try and find love, intimacy and tenderness in a purely physical act of lust, which was never about closeness to begin with? Because in the end only cavities gets filled, but the void never does. So fuck, cheat and lie – you’re never that close anyway. And sex is just sex – don’t read anything into it. Especially something personal.

Use, consume and procrastinate – it’s not like we’re good at anything else anyway…


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