It’s funny how little we know about ourselves and how much time needs to pass until we start to understand what motivates us. I used to think I was a realist, but with great delay I realized I’m nothing but a common dreamer. Too little too late though…
And I am scared to death. And it’s far too quiet around me, even for a person in love with silence. This time it’s quiet inside of me and that’s never a good sign. The men in my life rarely call when everything’s alright – that explains my previous love of quarrels. They always call when I’m not online long after midnight; when I’ve said ‘goodbye’ or when they sense that someone else has fallen in love with me. A man always knows when someone else loves his girl. It’s too bad they never know when their girl has grown tired of being ‘theirs’ in their own way (of being who she’s expected to be and not loved for who she is).
I’m always sad to part with the image of myself in his eyes for I’ve grown fond of this role as it’s been the only one I know for quite a while now..I don’t know anything else. I will have to learn to be a person from scratch..yet again. Then I remember a guy who drove as I switched between stations, briefly taking his eyes off the road to catch a glimpse of my dishevelled hair and wandering smile. We were looking at each other and nobody said a thing. That silence was filled with promises and life. But that was a long time ago when I was different and he knew how to be with someone rather than make someone fit being with him.
We always know how to waste away the things we want the most. And time passes. It doesn’t heal, but it brings tormented peace and suffered solitude. You forget what drove you apart and start remembering what made you fall in love. The weird thing came when the more I forgot the hurt, the disillusions, the disappointment and the reasons behind all of it, the less and less I loved him. No one could convince me otherwise. Because the day you’re able to forgive everything, your heart will be reborn liberated and emptied.
I light up a cigarette – it has never failed to give me that sense of wholeness, which no man ever could (but all of them promised). I like the way the smoke penetrates and fills my lungs just as I wish the longing for me would penetrate and fill his being. As the desire for him filled mine.
Do you feel scared? Do you need something more?
A girl is always unusually quiet when she’s parting with someone in her soul…