interest of conflict

‘I am literally going out of my mind’ a friend of mine complained the other day ‘She hasn’t cheated on me; she’s not inconsiderate, distant or absent-minded. In fact she’s as warm and loving as always and THAT’s pissing me off even more! Everything I used to love in her is now mind-numbingly irritating. The way she crosses her legs; her choice of TV shows; her browsing history. Is this the end?’

I pause and ponder. Clearly he’s interested in an answer that will bring him the much-needed peace of mind. ‘No’ I slowly admit. It just slipped. ‘When there’s a feeling..any feeling left it’s far from being the end.’

Even if this feeling is to hurt her, to cause her pain both physically and emotionally this is a desire in itself and as such it is a desire connected to her. A desire that still connects both of you. People often say it’s just a step from love to hate, but they seem to forget it’s just two to go back.

Human indecisiveness is at the core of the unnecessary amounts of heartache we inflict on ourselves and others. It can single-handedly send you back from a long and painful decision to end a complicated relationship (in the days BF – Before Facebook when updating your status just wouldn’t do) into uncertainty and doubt whether you’ll be better off alone. You realize a [possible] break-up will drive you insane with guilt and regret. And all those things that pissed you off only until a few days ago suddenly reveal themselves as endearing and sweet – testament to the strength and sincerity of the bond between the two of you.

Then you understand why in the heat of the moment when you’re yelling at each other and you’re pulling her away from the front door, your hand unconsciously slips down her body and after initially pulling away, she gives in unusually submissive and willing. You start rolling around, knocking stuff to the ground oblivious to your surrounding.This is still a struggle, albeit a different kind. It’s just as passionate and filled with eagerness to possess, subdue and submit the other one. This time out of love.

Out of that struggle a new ‘we’ is born: ‘why don’t we..we can try..let’s..’ If there’s an impulse it’s far from being the end, don’t you agree?

 

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lost souls alliance

People have sex without being in a relationship. Or have a relationship without sex. It’s not uncommon, believe me; simple statistics of messed up relationships.  Sometimes I wish things were simpler like they used to be in the far-away past: when people met, got engaged, got married, had kids, raised them, grew old and died together.  At no point were they setting conditions such as ‘we’ll just have sex and not get involved emotionally’, ‘sleeping with other people is OK if your partner doesn’t find out about it’ or ‘hitting up your ex for old times’ sake isn’t considered cheating.’

I have a dream (..) – I dream of a time when you had to be exclusive to be with someone, when just starting a relationship meant it was special and meaningful, and strong, and real. You’re not in that dream – if I have to put you somewhere, it’ll be on the opposite side – where people fill their cavities with everything and anything, where people ARE walking cavities, secretions and mourns. Doesn’t sound too special, does it? I hate to imagine how twisted you have to be to consider such relationships special.

No, I know you’re not fucked up, you and the rest of them. You’re just confused with all the endless possibilities the world has to offer (this is irony by the way); it’s difficult to spot the truly valuable things, worth keeping. Maybe someday you’ll understand. I am afraid it will be too late though. How would you be able to forgive yourself for letting go of the woman of your life (don’t worry – I am not talking about myself, I am not that deluded. You and I are a factual mistake. We were never meant to meet, let alone cross eyes or..) out of fear not to lose your chance of being with 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21 equally uninteresting ones? Chasing after women whose mark in your life only lasts as long as their marks on your sheets (yes, a single wash, a single one) and you – hoarding sex buddies and drinking yourself to death day after day after night. Is this the life you want for yourself?

Don’t answer that – I know you better than you know yourself. Unlike you I am not hurt or offended by the truth.  In the end it’s no one’s fault – we just got a bit mixed up. You picked up a girl who wanted, held important and cherished different things than you and me.. well, I just made the same mistake with a different person. I think it’s clear who the moron is.

More often than never you meet certain people only to realize what you don’t want in the person you’re with. Except in your case – you meet certain people only to chase away what you delude yourself you want. Seems a bit pointless, don’t you think?

I used to find it kind of sad. Now I see the really sad thing is trying to make room in your life for people who never wanted you in theirs.

men want what women don’t need

“Perception, my dear. It’s all about perception.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Let me give you an example. When we fuck, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him tightly, burying my nose in his neck. He thinks it’s a sign of passion and uncontrollable desire. I do it, so I don’t have to look at him [..]”

A Poker Game of Love

….

I don’t mind giving you my body – it’s the least I can do. It [hardly] means anything. It would cost me far more to make you fried eggs in the morning. Is this confusing you? Think of it this way – giving you my body is the same as your telling me that I’m special. Both cost less to the person giving them; are only meant as means to an end and end up costing more to the person receiving them. Kind of sick, isn’t it? Go ahead and stroke your ego – having my body is as far as you went (although I know it’s more than enough for you). The guy is happy – he gets to perpetuate the self-deceit of being a capable and experienced lover and so is his partner- she’s heard the absurdly shallow and blatantly untrue confirmation of being a fleeting desire in the eyes of a man. Both achieved at the expense of the naivety (or so they would like to think) of another human being. What we don’t know is that instead of outsmarting the other person, both are screwed over – he will say anything to sleep with her and she will do anything to hear what she wants. Both following the logic that the goal justifies the means, especially when the same will get you what you’re aiming for at absurdly low-cost maintenance fees. He can proudly parade his conquest, unaware and not caring that he never had but a blow-up doll in his hands and she can blissfully think she’s worth more than any other woman in his life, oblivious that the words she just heard are always the same, only the girl is different. Then they can both go and buy books with sugar-coated puff that explain how she’s from Venus and he’s from Mars to bring the worn-out bodies and drained souls [some] comfort. However, what they should really be paying for [if anything] are books telling them they can never meet at the point of being together.

If our need for companionship becomes so dire, we’ll stop just long enough to fool each other into believing we have anything in common. And we do. Lies. Stay with me and I will keep lying that you’re ‘the only guy I’ve done [insert random sexual act here] with’ or ‘the best I’ve ever had’, sustaining your ginormous unjustified ego of a conqueror and you’ll keep lying that I’ve ‘meant to you more than any other woman in your life’ and ‘you’ve never loved another the way you love me’ to encourage me to keep my feet off the ground and my head high in the clouds (where it usually is most of the time anyway). We’ll call that love and build ruin our lives around it, complaining that everything falls apart, but forever denying the obvious fact that anything built on a lie is fleeting and ends bitterly. For it’s always lies that bring people together and it’s the truth that drives them apart – that’s simply the way things are and always have been.

Life will pass and we will fill it with promises of love and closeness; we’ll listen to songs, read books and watch movies about it and that will have to suffice. In this lifetime at least. In the mean time I have to remember to keep on lying to you that you’ve conquered more of me than anyone before you and you’ll have to keep on fooling me into believing I’ve meant more to you than anyone else in your life. Seems like a fair deal to pass time.

if it starts, it has to end

In the beginning they are all so respectful, polite and witty and we are all so charming, mysterious and soft-spoken it’s [almost] surreal. It’s inhumane to keep it together 24/7, but we all manage to pull it off somehow – in the beginning of every relationship that is. Fully aware we’re setting ourselves to fail, since it’s only a matter of time to screw up.

It’s a widely known secret that we only get one chance in love..and completely off topic – it’s also a widely known fact we always, always, always manage to blow it fairly quickly.

Women stop loving when they’ve been hurt badly. No amount of excuses, tenderness, belated loyalty and sweet gestures can change that. We can (and often do because we rarely leave a sunken relationship for reasons completely eluding to the logical mind) and  pretend we’ve forgiven, forgotten and moved passed the loss of trust and love for our partner, oblivious to the fact that the only thing we’re getting out of the relationship from now on, is an Oscar for a Best Supporting Role in a self-directed sham. Men might perceive this as cold-heartedness and being bitchy, but the sad truth is women save their most bitter resentment, disappointment and unkindness only for ourselves. He might even think that I am mean and unfair, which is fine, because I know that for everything he’s suffered – I’ve suffered for the both of us and for all the times I’ve been unkind to him – I’ve punished and will continue punishing myself long after we’re through and he’s moved on. It may take him one or two remedial relationships to mend his bruised heart, but I will pursue his image for years to come in every guy I throw myself at just to fool myself that what we shared was real.

Men don’t get or care about any of that. He’ll see a bitch out of hell – confident and self sufficient, provocative and seductive, which  will only hurt and convince him more that she didn’t care that much in the first place since she’s moved on so fast. He’ll never know that everything she’s become is because of him.. for him. To remind him what he rejected; to show him what he’s missing out on; to teach him that every woman is an illusion for she takes the form(s) of every guys’ dreams of her and to make him see and realize that. Men prefer to venture out to unconquered territories, unaware that what they think is familiar and well-known is as wild as the geese they want to chase. While chasing they’ll talk about the comfort of settling down and while settling down (not ‘once settled down’ because you never are, it’s a process) they’ll do everything to get away.

And it’s shattered. Beyond repair. It’s so predictable it’s not even worth crying over (but we do).

Then he starts apologizing, rationalizing, defending, reasoning, asking, hoping and more often than never it’s better to choose to be alone with somebody than alone with yourself. Men call it forgiveness and consider it a sign of true love. Women view it for what it really is – good old rational thinking.

Relationship Geometry

Image

Relationship Geometry is pretty simple, although everyone is baffled why it [almost] never works out.

Proofs are necessary in math, but a definite deal-breaker in any relationship. Wasted energy into drawing intricate formulas to back up your love and loyalty kill every positive emotion. And before you know it, a two-way relationship takes the form of a triangle or a square (edit: unless the original agreement was for a polygamous relationship; I hear it’s quite..trendy these days to try it all, to have it all, to lose it all; I feel sorry for kids nowadays – we used to fail at one relationship at a time and it was barely bearable; now you have to fail on multiple fronts – how utterly devastating) while the original two lines drift apart beyond repair. For others the relation is the equal sign put in between two, different in appearance, but effectively identical formulas..and despite the obvious outward difference that very sameness is what drives them towards each other. Those have a shot in hell of lasting. Most likely. Unfortunately, it’s human nature to get bored and look around for new equations, new proofs..you can be perfectly satisfied with the one(s) you already have and still look out of curiosity. That’s an issue for me and, basically, the reason why I sucked at math in school and suck at love in life – I never understood the driving force behind searching for another way to solve an equation or prove a theorem if I’ve found one that works and I am [pretty] content with it. I never understood what motivated the constant obsession to create and destroy in a perpetual circle of utter obsolescence through different methods if the end result is always the same. Pure insanity if you ask me.

In reality it’s fairly simple – the moment you take out either one of the sides of an equation, you’re always left with a zero. That’s all the math I need to know.