‘I am literally going out of my mind’ a friend of mine complained the other day ‘She hasn’t cheated on me; she’s not inconsiderate, distant or absent-minded. In fact she’s as warm and loving as always and THAT’s pissing me off even more! Everything I used to love in her is now mind-numbingly irritating. The way she crosses her legs; her choice of TV shows; her browsing history. Is this the end?’
I pause and ponder. Clearly he’s interested in an answer that will bring him the much-needed peace of mind. ‘No’ I slowly admit. It just slipped. ‘When there’s a feeling..any feeling left it’s far from being the end.’
Even if this feeling is to hurt her, to cause her pain both physically and emotionally this is a desire in itself and as such it is a desire connected to her. A desire that still connects both of you. People often say it’s just a step from love to hate, but they seem to forget it’s just two to go back.
Human indecisiveness is at the core of the unnecessary amounts of heartache we inflict on ourselves and others. It can single-handedly send you back from a long and painful decision to end a complicated relationship (in the days BF – Before Facebook when updating your status just wouldn’t do) into uncertainty and doubt whether you’ll be better off alone. You realize a [possible] break-up will drive you insane with guilt and regret. And all those things that pissed you off only until a few days ago suddenly reveal themselves as endearing and sweet – testament to the strength and sincerity of the bond between the two of you.
Then you understand why in the heat of the moment when you’re yelling at each other and you’re pulling her away from the front door, your hand unconsciously slips down her body and after initially pulling away, she gives in unusually submissive and willing. You start rolling around, knocking stuff to the ground oblivious to your surrounding.This is still a struggle, albeit a different kind. It’s just as passionate and filled with eagerness to possess, subdue and submit the other one. This time out of love.
Out of that struggle a new ‘we’ is born: ‘why don’t we..we can try..let’s..’ If there’s an impulse it’s far from being the end, don’t you agree?