elevation

‘If only she would let me  – I’d curl in a ball on the mat in front of her door. Just so I could be near her.’

I silently listen to his confession and a wave of remote sadness washes over me. In our group he’s known as proud and distant, arrogant at times even. It’s the first time he’s been in love and it’s all so new to him.

I sit and make mental notes for my new post. I want to write something beautiful about the most noble of all human emotions; to describe it as a virtue that elevates. Oh wait… Never mind.

 

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why so inconsiderate

If you’ve had extraordinary luck and you’ve managed to find a charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman to spend your days and night with, you start feeling comforted and peaceful in her presence. You immerse yourself in that tranquility to the point of not knowing (or caring) if she loves you back, because it doesn’t matter as long as she keeps giving you the things you’re quickly becoming hooked to. But when they stop..

The worst is you stop feeling comforted and peaceful. In fact, you burn out in a matter of weeks as the human mind can’t handle such atrociously unexpected and fast shift of polarities. What’s even more – you’re still living with the same charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman, but now the acute realization of her dissatisfaction with you as an individual is draining your soul drop by drop. How long will she stay? When will she meet a man who will be able to give her everything she’s not getting from you? Questions keep flooding your jaded mind, but you don’t know the answers to any of them..So you wait, and hope, and wait and hope some more..

It’s a whole different story if the woman you’re with is not remarkable in any way and you don’t find yourself feeling particularly elated in her presence. Perhaps you see potential in your relationship, but that means you’ll start hoping, envisioning, waiting, believing in her and that lays out the foundation for dangerous dependency. You’re relying on the notion that if she becomes slightly better, you’ll feel happier. And when this woman, who’s received a generous line of credit in the form of your trust, goes ahead and blows it all away because she never cared about you in the first place, you’re damaged beyond repair. It’t one thing to be hurt by someone you love; it’s an entirely different experience to be ruineed by a person you convinced yourself to like. Even great minds like Hemingway never wrote those types of life stories – they’re way too painful and impossible to tell..

Next to her you feel small, inadequate and incapable. How could she screw you over when you didn’t even care that much in the beginning? But you’re unable to blame her for any of your feelings of loss and disappointment. After all – she never promised you anything. You can despise the way she spent the trust you gave away so freely, but you really have no one to be mad at but yourself.

And sometimes you end up with a woman who has nothing and is incapable of giving anything to a man, because she’s the epitome of goodness. She’s kind to everyone an you just happen to be around. You can stay still for a bit and see what it’s like on the receiving end for a change. You give and expect nothing and she keeps giving back and surpassing your wildest expectations. But when eventually she comes to terms with the fact that you’re just a freeloader in her perfect little universe and starts acting up – then you have every right to be angry at her.

It means she’s tricked you intentionally because her only virtue was fake. Or perhaps she just stopped liking you. How inconsiderate..

picture perfect

They always fought. Always. Not that they couldn’t function in any other way, but she was very emotional and he was unable to let to of the small stuff. Even on the very day that they first met they got into a huge argument and a subsequent fight. And they immediately realized they had found the right person. Even back then – when she would grunt at his attempts to put an end to the endless quarrels and he would throw his hands in the air and storm out of the room. But he would always return. And she would always wait for him. In fights they went through their second date, then their third and so on, and so forth..

Continuing to fight, they moved in together and always laughed when people asked how they managed to keep working at something that so obviously broken. They simply knew there was no one else they could fight with. Just each other. Every time they were apart it was physically painful for both of them. She would laugh and he was proud to be the only person who truly knew what her laugh was like – like an explosion of things long kept hidden and contained. He knew he was the only one she fought and laughed with like that, and he no longer could recall a time when she hadn’t been in his life. Fighting, they decided to get married. Even on their wedding day they managed to get into an argument. But people had already become accustomed, so the just looked with jealousy. Because everyone wanted a man or a woman they would quarrel just as passionately with, and afterwards laugh with. And that look in their eyes when they gazed at each other adoringly..

But one time she really picked a fight with him and he stormed out without returning. After that they stopped fighting and starting acting very civilized with each other. They became a picture-perfect couple – attentive, polite and nice. He felt proud less and less, and she laughed less and less.

They never fought while shopping, going out, cooking together, planning a vacation or reassuring each other everything was fine. He would open doors for her, hold her bag, ask her how her day was and nod with compassion. Until he realized – he had no one to fight with any more. And that meant he had no one to laugh with either..

second chances

Sometimes I think that the only way we could make it work is if we went back to being strangers. And re-write everything,

We’d meet and introduce each other. You’d follow my nervous gestures as I run my fingers through my hair, and I’d laugh at your jokes.

The conversations will be long, so will the walks. You’ll learn about my life and find every insignificant detail from my past fascinating because it made me the way I am today. And I will cherish the man you’ve come to be through heartaches and struggles.

We’ll create new memories. This time we’ll be careful not to stop hiding our flaws and let everything fall apart like the first time.

But, most of all, you’ll do better at hiding the other women, and I – at pretending it doesn’t bother me.

love horoscope

I’ve never really understood why people have bumped up the number of zodiac signs up to the unnecessary twelve. Not to mention having spent centuries trying to find some type of connection and general personality traits typical to each assigned anthropomorphic symbol. Naturally, I can’t speak with confidence about men, but when it comes to women all it takes are three signs to lay down the law and the correlation:

Sheep: Woman born under the zodiac sign Sheep baa in awe before every man that lingers just long enough to satisfy their most basic urges. Consequently they will believe anything he dares to come up and never even think to question his motifs, reasons, excuses, explanations and lies. This type of woman longs for coziness, being part of a herd and a strong and just owner, who ‘knows better’ than her what her needs, wants and goals should be. And just like a modern version of a sacrificial lamb she will gladly place her dreams, hearts desires and hopes on the alter at his feet ‘for the greater good’. His, of course.

Dog: Incidentally this sign is not all that different from the preceding one as in addition to craving a master and a home to belong to, the woman born under it continuously goes out of her way to please the said master. His approval, comfort and well-being becomes the centre of her universe just as not letting him down or provoking him becomes the strongest driving force behind her actions. Needless to say, most men consider landing a Dog in the shape of a woman as their ‘meal ticket’ (I know, this is a terrible pun, that’s the point).

Cat: Many similarities have been drawn between women and cats and it’s not a coincidence. Women born under the zodiac sign of the exquisite feline are just as conceded, elegant, mesmerizing and unpredictable. As opposed to the Dog that morphs and adapts to fit its owner personality and appearance, the Cat rather unknowingly changes the person living with it until he fits her perception of him. The fleeting nature of the sign means women come and go without warning, explanation or a reason, and leave behind more questions than answers. But the biggest enigma – one that felines and women have shared for centuries – is that, despite being highly intuitive, careful, perceptive, intelligent and analytic – they will always base their decisions on a whim, a mood or a feeling. And the only thing a man can do is deal with it.

figuring in out

You’re capable of driving me insane in less than a minute with all those conceded tactics so typical of the female population. I know what you want from me – you want a man who’s so head-over-heels in love that he mutters when he calls your name; he turns up at your doorstep in the middle of the day with a ruby rose ‘just because’; he listens to your rambling on about feelings, day routines and nasty gossip as he shakes his head in understanding; he worships the ground underneath your feet in a celebration to your rightful place as the Mother Goddess unjustly taken away by the patriarchal order of things and, above all – you want a horny teenager who’s burning with desire to ‘have you right then and there’ to constantly validate your worth as a sexual nymph.

But, baby, that ain’t gonna happen. Adolescence is a period in life and learning to grow out of it is the key to moving forward, to making something out of your life and of yourself. You claim you’re after a mature, centered, wise and secure man, but the minute you find him, you women immediately start with your beloved tests. You test his loyalty, his feelings for you, his commitment to a mutual life together, his honesty, his capabilities of a provider and, finally, his limits. You’re only lucky we’re as dedicated to protecting and nurturing that delicious vulnerability your fragile feminine nature is so capable of simulating to entice us. And by the time we figure out what’s been going on for a while, we’re too far into the game to call it quits.

There’s only one thing you should know and stop with the theatrics:

Marriage is hard. Getting divorced is hard. Being single is hard. My dick is hard. Your nipples are hard. Everything is hard. Deal with it.

a fairy-tale, sort of

She always knew when he was with Her. Not physically per se, but in his mind and heart. It was in those moments that he became aggressive, detached and rough – pinning her down and turning the bed into a war zone. He was trying to extinguish his unhealthy attachment, to erase Her image – from his mind and life, strip it down and tear it apart until there was nothing but an aching scar in its place. She pursed her lips and took it, afraid to admit even to herself that she was enjoying this torture. Afterwards she was always quick to reassure him with her eyes that it was OK. Not that he seemed to care.

Inside her his movements were slow, deliberate; he listened to her sighs and barely audible moans and stroked her with tenderness he didn’t think he had in himself. Every time he wished they could stay connected like this until the end of time. She felt ethereal next to him; he needed physical validation that she was there. Albeit a short-lasting one.

He was careful to avoid all the places where he used to go with Her.Everything needed to be different. New. Unique. Luckily she didn’t resemble Her in anything. Different figure, brown instead of blue eyes, long straight instead of short and curly hair. Her features were so delicate she looked like a fair-skinned figurine; it took him a while to get used to handling her as he wasn’t fond of being careful. Sometimes he would think of Her generous curves and hour-glass frame. She was as different on the inside as she was on the outside – anxious, restless and fleeting like the surface of the ocean on a windy day. Nothing was what it seemed with her. He was unable to forgive her for nothing being like He, but loved her for who she was.

She often fantasized about talking with Her and so did he. A desperate attempt at seeking out the ‘why’ they hoped would fill the numerous cracks in their turbulent relationship. A vain one too as She had no interest in speaking to either of them. She had moved on; they were the ones who were stuck. He wished he could see them next to each other to know for sure if he had made the right decision. Not to compare them – no one can be better or worse than someone else; people are just different and he was perfectly aware of that. But he needed some sort of reassurance.

– Why do you put up with all of this? – he would often ask her.

– I love you. – she would reply.

– How is that even possible. I am so cruel to you.

– That’s all you have left.

– What if She never loosens her grip on me.

– She won’t, but it doesn’t matter.

One day he realized to his surprise he had pined her to the wall and was roughly slamming her against it not in an attempt to punish her (not her, of course, it wasn’t her fault…he was trying to punish himself), but because he had come to understand it was what she liked and expected from him.

He sighed with relief. Outside the dawn was breaking. Both of them had this renewed hope now everything would be different. And new.