elevation

‘If only she would let me  – I’d curl in a ball on the mat in front of her door. Just so I could be near her.’

I silently listen to his confession and a wave of remote sadness washes over me. In our group he’s known as proud and distant, arrogant at times even. It’s the first time he’s been in love and it’s all so new to him.

I sit and make mental notes for my new post. I want to write something beautiful about the most noble of all human emotions; to describe it as a virtue that elevates. Oh wait… Never mind.

 

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why so inconsiderate

If you’ve had extraordinary luck and you’ve managed to find a charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman to spend your days and night with, you start feeling comforted and peaceful in her presence. You immerse yourself in that tranquility to the point of not knowing (or caring) if she loves you back, because it doesn’t matter as long as she keeps giving you the things you’re quickly becoming hooked to. But when they stop..

The worst is you stop feeling comforted and peaceful. In fact, you burn out in a matter of weeks as the human mind can’t handle such atrociously unexpected and fast shift of polarities. What’s even more – you’re still living with the same charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman, but now the acute realization of her dissatisfaction with you as an individual is draining your soul drop by drop. How long will she stay? When will she meet a man who will be able to give her everything she’s not getting from you? Questions keep flooding your jaded mind, but you don’t know the answers to any of them..So you wait, and hope, and wait and hope some more..

It’s a whole different story if the woman you’re with is not remarkable in any way and you don’t find yourself feeling particularly elated in her presence. Perhaps you see potential in your relationship, but that means you’ll start hoping, envisioning, waiting, believing in her and that lays out the foundation for dangerous dependency. You’re relying on the notion that if she becomes slightly better, you’ll feel happier. And when this woman, who’s received a generous line of credit in the form of your trust, goes ahead and blows it all away because she never cared about you in the first place, you’re damaged beyond repair. It’t one thing to be hurt by someone you love; it’s an entirely different experience to be ruineed by a person you convinced yourself to like. Even great minds like Hemingway never wrote those types of life stories – they’re way too painful and impossible to tell..

Next to her you feel small, inadequate and incapable. How could she screw you over when you didn’t even care that much in the beginning? But you’re unable to blame her for any of your feelings of loss and disappointment. After all – she never promised you anything. You can despise the way she spent the trust you gave away so freely, but you really have no one to be mad at but yourself.

And sometimes you end up with a woman who has nothing and is incapable of giving anything to a man, because she’s the epitome of goodness. She’s kind to everyone an you just happen to be around. You can stay still for a bit and see what it’s like on the receiving end for a change. You give and expect nothing and she keeps giving back and surpassing your wildest expectations. But when eventually she comes to terms with the fact that you’re just a freeloader in her perfect little universe and starts acting up – then you have every right to be angry at her.

It means she’s tricked you intentionally because her only virtue was fake. Or perhaps she just stopped liking you. How inconsiderate..

picture perfect

They always fought. Always. Not that they couldn’t function in any other way, but she was very emotional and he was unable to let to of the small stuff. Even on the very day that they first met they got into a huge argument and a subsequent fight. And they immediately realized they had found the right person. Even back then – when she would grunt at his attempts to put an end to the endless quarrels and he would throw his hands in the air and storm out of the room. But he would always return. And she would always wait for him. In fights they went through their second date, then their third and so on, and so forth..

Continuing to fight, they moved in together and always laughed when people asked how they managed to keep working at something that so obviously broken. They simply knew there was no one else they could fight with. Just each other. Every time they were apart it was physically painful for both of them. She would laugh and he was proud to be the only person who truly knew what her laugh was like – like an explosion of things long kept hidden and contained. He knew he was the only one she fought and laughed with like that, and he no longer could recall a time when she hadn’t been in his life. Fighting, they decided to get married. Even on their wedding day they managed to get into an argument. But people had already become accustomed, so the just looked with jealousy. Because everyone wanted a man or a woman they would quarrel just as passionately with, and afterwards laugh with. And that look in their eyes when they gazed at each other adoringly..

But one time she really picked a fight with him and he stormed out without returning. After that they stopped fighting and starting acting very civilized with each other. They became a picture-perfect couple – attentive, polite and nice. He felt proud less and less, and she laughed less and less.

They never fought while shopping, going out, cooking together, planning a vacation or reassuring each other everything was fine. He would open doors for her, hold her bag, ask her how her day was and nod with compassion. Until he realized – he had no one to fight with any more. And that meant he had no one to laugh with either..

second chances

Sometimes I think that the only way we could make it work is if we went back to being strangers. And re-write everything,

We’d meet and introduce each other. You’d follow my nervous gestures as I run my fingers through my hair, and I’d laugh at your jokes.

The conversations will be long, so will the walks. You’ll learn about my life and find every insignificant detail from my past fascinating because it made me the way I am today. And I will cherish the man you’ve come to be through heartaches and struggles.

We’ll create new memories. This time we’ll be careful not to stop hiding our flaws and let everything fall apart like the first time.

But, most of all, you’ll do better at hiding the other women, and I – at pretending it doesn’t bother me.

interest of conflict

‘I am literally going out of my mind’ a friend of mine complained the other day ‘She hasn’t cheated on me; she’s not inconsiderate, distant or absent-minded. In fact she’s as warm and loving as always and THAT’s pissing me off even more! Everything I used to love in her is now mind-numbingly irritating. The way she crosses her legs; her choice of TV shows; her browsing history. Is this the end?’

I pause and ponder. Clearly he’s interested in an answer that will bring him the much-needed peace of mind. ‘No’ I slowly admit. It just slipped. ‘When there’s a feeling..any feeling left it’s far from being the end.’

Even if this feeling is to hurt her, to cause her pain both physically and emotionally this is a desire in itself and as such it is a desire connected to her. A desire that still connects both of you. People often say it’s just a step from love to hate, but they seem to forget it’s just two to go back.

Human indecisiveness is at the core of the unnecessary amounts of heartache we inflict on ourselves and others. It can single-handedly send you back from a long and painful decision to end a complicated relationship (in the days BF – Before Facebook when updating your status just wouldn’t do) into uncertainty and doubt whether you’ll be better off alone. You realize a [possible] break-up will drive you insane with guilt and regret. And all those things that pissed you off only until a few days ago suddenly reveal themselves as endearing and sweet – testament to the strength and sincerity of the bond between the two of you.

Then you understand why in the heat of the moment when you’re yelling at each other and you’re pulling her away from the front door, your hand unconsciously slips down her body and after initially pulling away, she gives in unusually submissive and willing. You start rolling around, knocking stuff to the ground oblivious to your surrounding.This is still a struggle, albeit a different kind. It’s just as passionate and filled with eagerness to possess, subdue and submit the other one. This time out of love.

Out of that struggle a new ‘we’ is born: ‘why don’t we..we can try..let’s..’ If there’s an impulse it’s far from being the end, don’t you agree?