why so inconsiderate

If you’ve had extraordinary luck and you’ve managed to find a charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman to spend your days and night with, you start feeling comforted and peaceful in her presence. You immerse yourself in that tranquility to the point of not knowing (or caring) if she loves you back, because it doesn’t matter as long as she keeps giving you the things you’re quickly becoming hooked to. But when they stop..

The worst is you stop feeling comforted and peaceful. In fact, you burn out in a matter of weeks as the human mind can’t handle such atrociously unexpected and fast shift of polarities. What’s even more – you’re still living with the same charming, warm, down-to-earth and loving woman, but now the acute realization of her dissatisfaction with you as an individual is draining your soul drop by drop. How long will she stay? When will she meet a man who will be able to give her everything she’s not getting from you? Questions keep flooding your jaded mind, but you don’t know the answers to any of them..So you wait, and hope, and wait and hope some more..

It’s a whole different story if the woman you’re with is not remarkable in any way and you don’t find yourself feeling particularly elated in her presence. Perhaps you see potential in your relationship, but that means you’ll start hoping, envisioning, waiting, believing in her and that lays out the foundation for dangerous dependency. You’re relying on the notion that if she becomes slightly better, you’ll feel happier. And when this woman, who’s received a generous line of credit in the form of your trust, goes ahead and blows it all away because she never cared about you in the first place, you’re damaged beyond repair. It’t one thing to be hurt by someone you love; it’s an entirely different experience to be ruineed by a person you convinced yourself to like. Even great minds like Hemingway never wrote those types of life stories – they’re way too painful and impossible to tell..

Next to her you feel small, inadequate and incapable. How could she screw you over when you didn’t even care that much in the beginning? But you’re unable to blame her for any of your feelings of loss and disappointment. After all – she never promised you anything. You can despise the way she spent the trust you gave away so freely, but you really have no one to be mad at but yourself.

And sometimes you end up with a woman who has nothing and is incapable of giving anything to a man, because she’s the epitome of goodness. She’s kind to everyone an you just happen to be around. You can stay still for a bit and see what it’s like on the receiving end for a change. You give and expect nothing and she keeps giving back and surpassing your wildest expectations. But when eventually she comes to terms with the fact that you’re just a freeloader in her perfect little universe and starts acting up – then you have every right to be angry at her.

It means she’s tricked you intentionally because her only virtue was fake. Or perhaps she just stopped liking you. How inconsiderate..

picture perfect

They always fought. Always. Not that they couldn’t function in any other way, but she was very emotional and he was unable to let to of the small stuff. Even on the very day that they first met they got into a huge argument and a subsequent fight. And they immediately realized they had found the right person. Even back then – when she would grunt at his attempts to put an end to the endless quarrels and he would throw his hands in the air and storm out of the room. But he would always return. And she would always wait for him. In fights they went through their second date, then their third and so on, and so forth..

Continuing to fight, they moved in together and always laughed when people asked how they managed to keep working at something that so obviously broken. They simply knew there was no one else they could fight with. Just each other. Every time they were apart it was physically painful for both of them. She would laugh and he was proud to be the only person who truly knew what her laugh was like – like an explosion of things long kept hidden and contained. He knew he was the only one she fought and laughed with like that, and he no longer could recall a time when she hadn’t been in his life. Fighting, they decided to get married. Even on their wedding day they managed to get into an argument. But people had already become accustomed, so the just looked with jealousy. Because everyone wanted a man or a woman they would quarrel just as passionately with, and afterwards laugh with. And that look in their eyes when they gazed at each other adoringly..

But one time she really picked a fight with him and he stormed out without returning. After that they stopped fighting and starting acting very civilized with each other. They became a picture-perfect couple – attentive, polite and nice. He felt proud less and less, and she laughed less and less.

They never fought while shopping, going out, cooking together, planning a vacation or reassuring each other everything was fine. He would open doors for her, hold her bag, ask her how her day was and nod with compassion. Until he realized – he had no one to fight with any more. And that meant he had no one to laugh with either..

Relationship Geometry

Relationship Geometry is pretty simple, although everyone is baffled why it [almost] never works out.

Proofs are necessary in math, but a definite deal-breaker in any relationship. Wasted energy into drawing intricate formulas to back up your love and loyalty kill every positive emotion. And before you know it, a two-way relationship takes the form of a triangle or a square (edit: unless the original agreement was for a polygamous relationship; I hear it’s quite..trendy these days to try it all, to have it all, to lose it all; I feel sorry for kids nowadays – we used to fail at one relationship at a time and it was barely bearable; now you have to fail on multiple fronts – how utterly devastating) while the original two lines drift apart beyond repair. For others the relation is the equal sign put in between two, different in appearance, but effectively identical formulas..and despite the obvious outward difference that very sameness is what drives them towards each other. Those have a shot in hell of lasting. Most likely. Unfortunately, it’s human nature to get bored and look around for new equations, new proofs..you can be perfectly satisfied with the one(s) you already have and still look out of curiosity. That’s an issue for me and, basically, the reason why I sucked at math in school and suck at love in life – I never understood the driving force behind searching for another way to solve an equation or prove a theorem if I’ve found one that works and I am [pretty] content with it. I never understood what motivated the constant obsession to create and destroy in a perpetual circle of utter obsolescence through different methods if the end result is always the same. Pure insanity if you ask me.

In reality it’s fairly simple – the moment you take out either one of the sides of an equation, you’re always left with a zero. That’s all the math I need to know.

soul[less] language

Some people connect to others through compassion. I’ve always done it through pain. It’s easy for me to tell when someone is hurting – the sadness around them is palpable. When you’ve been observing people for ages in your solitude, you become strangely familiar with their joys, sorrow, regrets, wishes, desires, disappointments and failures. People lie only when they talk. Take away that option and they become a fragile vase of truth. Nothing is more beautiful.

They were standing on the sidewalk. A man and a woman. I didn’t want to intrude on their aching relationship, it just happened. Maybe it’s become too much of a habit for me to pick up pain whenever it’s near me. I instantly knew what they were saying to each other, even though I was unable to hear a single word.

They were just standing there. People passing by.

She had tried walking away and he had stopped her.

Her arms, loosely handing by her body while he was holding her shoulders with his palms, gently caressing them, whispering something in her ear. That’s the way men hold a woman when they’re trying to calm her down, to get her to reconsider, to give in to his reasons and abandon her emotions.

He was talking to her, but she was avoiding eye contact. Her head was tilting to one side and she was staring at the ground (note: the grimmest sign – when a woman won’t look you in the eyes). She didn’t want to listen to what he had to say, she didn’t want to understand or accept it.

It didn’t matter what his reasons were – that he couldn’t get a divorce, stop seeing his ex, have a future with her – I was witnessing a scene when a woman had just understood just how unnecessary she was in his life. For a woman to understand this, means she will gradually come to terms with just how undesired she is [by that guy] too. Once she does she is free. It’s one of the longest and most painful paths to walk. Men enviously call it ‘moving on without regrets’ and think it resembles rebirth. Truth is – it’s a thousand deaths by your own hand – relentless, graphic and continuous.

I was strangely drawn to them and as I passed them by I kept looking back just to catch one last glimpse of their final moments together. People are either fixated on what they have or (more often) on what they don’t, so they rarely have the chance to stop for a while and witness the ending of something (and actually realize they are witnessing an end). They start fixating on it only after it’s long gone and has passed in the category of things they ‘don’t have’. I find that strangely mesmerizing.

Then I walked away.